Happy New Year

Hi Lovelies!

Happy New Year!!! I know it's kind of late but i still want to wish you lovelies~
2012, is a year that i experience a lot that makes me start to treasure a lot of things near me and also cause me to lose a lot of things too.

As you guys know, ever since the beginning of year 2012, i got into a serious car accident which luckily didn't cause me serious injuries but mentally. I was in a state of depression for the few months. The thought of causing physically and mentally pain to my loves one hunt me down. Luckily, my loves one eventually heals back. I was the only one being held back at the past, at the scene of the car accident. Whenever i was near the roadside, hearing any honks, seeing cars drove past me fast or sitting on a car, the horrible scene appears. It takes me about half a year of me to gets better and longer for me to have the courage to drive again. At some states, i do wish to commit suicide

At first, i did not meet anyone. But as times goes by, i meet up with a few of my close poly friends (with fear). I didn't really talk a lot for the beginning as somehow, i dare not talk. I just felt like a jinx to everyone close to me. I really fear that i would hurt anyone. Meeting them is easy. I really have to thank my family alot. If not for them, i don't think i can ever overcome this horrible fear and pain.

Having a new manager at the same time makes me feel cursed too. I don't want to say bad about my manager but at that point of time, my work stress is very high. It's almost the same time during my car accident. I was mentally too stress that i fall sick a lot. I couldn't take any MC due to the work load. My supervisor was pregnant and i don't want to give her too much workload too. So due to all this, i decided to go for a short 2 weeks trip back to Bangkok during the off peak period. I needed them badly.

This trip is personally very worth it. My mind are at peace and i see things slightly better. However, i didn't accomplish a thing. My mind of wanting to meet up my mum's goodmum. It might be cause of the accident that i really wish to meet her during that trip. We (me and a few of my family) have totally forgotten about it thanks to our naggy neighbor who tag along with us. 2-3 weeks after we came back from Bangkok, we realise that she suddenly realise that she had cancer and was at the last stage of it. She pass away few days later. I was really regretful. Similar thing happens again to a close granny staying at the same block as me. She past away too.  (inside jokes: my mum tell me not to miss her as she still want to live... haha~) I shall not think anymore and meet whoever i want before something happens.

It was only during September that i first drove. Flashes of the accident keeps appearing when i was driving. But i tell myself to be brave so that the "dirty things" will not see me weak. Till now, i have already drove for a couple of times. I will still grib the wheel tightly and sit upright.

Now, only a few days ago, i starts to appreciate the accident and starts to believe that I am not that of a jinx. I appreciate things easier and live my life less intense. And most important thing, I starts to feel feelings that i thought i lose them. The feeling of happiness, sadness, excitement. Previously, I have already been questioning myself that why have i not feel anything. It just seems that my heart is somehow, not working. I am really happy to get all these feelings back. Life is so much better with them~ I learned to care and give more too! Previously, money is everyday to me. With no money, you will not have joy~ But now, i learn to use them wisely so that i can make my loves one happier and let them know where i stands in the world now. Personally, i felt that i am standing in a position that I give and take. On a position that even if someone are to use me a little, I am fine with it as i believe, it's all for the best. At a point that i don't mine spending the money on other though that's the only few dollars i have.

So now, i just want to thank god for giving me such big test and awarding me greatly too. Lastly, big thanks to my loves one that includes my lovely family, relatives, friends and colleagues. It's your support that allow me to pass this test~
I love you guys!!!!


xoxo!